I'd love to say I am making all this great progress but the truth is I am stalled. I haven't been feeling great physically. My joints are sore and and my back and left hip are especially painful. I'm fearful that this may be the start of another auto immune condition like rheumatoid arthritis. I don't even want to go to the doctor. For now I taking lots of Advil and hoping whatever it is resolves on its own. I have been swimming with the kids every couple of days and generally trying to stay active with them. In the past two weeks we have gone to the beach, pool, swimming lessons, zoo, spray park, and some play dates. I have also started taking a multi-vitamin. Small steps toward a healthier me. I wish it was all actually making me healthier!

I suck at not eating. Really, I do. After eating a great pot roast dinner that Ed made, I had a bowl of cereal because I was still hungry. I can't even talk about the Haagan-Dazs ice cream cups I have been eating all week. I need an intervention!

A New Normal

I went out to breakfast with a few of the women from my Addison's support group. It is so good to take to others who are also dealing with Addison's Disease. It is such a poorly understood condition by so many - including doctors. It good to hear how others deal with the daily challenges and issues. After talking with some of them I am feeling like I need my medications tweaked a bit. I am going to ask my endo to up my Synthroid for my hypothyroidism. I know I am in the normal range but I am wondering if just a little more would make me feel better while still keeping me in the normal range. I want to badly to feel good. We also had a nice discussion about the mourning process that goes with being diagnosed with a cronic disease and how to accept a new "normal". I admit I am still mad in many ways. I thought infertiliity was my cross to bear in this lifetime. I didn't know that was just the start. Maybe by writing out my thoughts and feeling I will be better able to move to the acceptance stage and learn how to work around it as one one of the women suggested.

52 Pounds in 52 Weeks

I'm setting a weight loss goal. I want to lose 52 pounds in the next 52 weeks. Given my health challenges, I think that is a challenging yet achieveable goal (can you tell I write IEPs for a living). That would put me about 10 pounds above my goal weight but it is a weight that I have easily maintained in the past. By losing 52 lbs. I would reduce my BMI from 34.7 to 25.5 moving me from the obsese range (what an ugly word) to within 4 lbs. of normal. I can do this. I want to do this. I need to do this.

Now that I have started working out, I need to get the food under control. I feel like is some ways I do eat healthy but obviously my diet still needs to be improved. When I was pregnant with my twins, I ate a lot of protein and fat so they would be good size when they were born. It worked, Katelyn was 6lbs. 12 oz. and James was 7lbs. 6oz and I lost all the weight by 3 weeks postpartum. But then I was nursing two babies and taking care of two babies. I never knew if I was going to get another chance to eat so I started overeating or eating to keep my energy up. Then I started eating to "reward" myself at the end of day or to relieve stress.

If that wasn't enough to pack the weight on, I started feeling really awful - no energy, painful joints, couldn't wake up or get out of bed in the morning. I thought it was just life with twin toddlers. Turned out I had developed Addison's Disease and that was why I felt so bad. I'm glad I was diagnosed but now I have to take Prendisone daily for the rest of my life. So that is the short story of how I got here. Now I need to figure a way out.

I went swimming today

It was harder than I remembered to swim laps but I did it. I only managed about 20 minutes but I keep reminding myself that any exercise is better than no exercise.

Addison's Disease

I have Addison's Disease aka Adrenal Insufficiency. I have been trying to come to terms with the impact it has had on my life. I don't think any person in my life knows what this is like for me on a daily basis. I myself would like to forget but I can't because it hits me in the face as soon as I wake up each morning and I have to take my Prendisone. For the next hour I am queasy. Ideally I would take it with food but I also take my Synthroid as the same time and I need to take that on an empty stomach. So I pop my little pile of pills and grin and bear it, knowing they literally keep me alive. The Prendisone itself is such a bitter pill - in so many ways.

Im proud of myself - not because of the pizza and chicken fingers I had for dinner - that was a bit of a low point. But I am proud that I have worked out 3 times. I haven't worked out particularly hard but I have worked out, at the gym, on a machine, moving my body. And it feels like an accomplishment, a start at least. I didn't know if I could do it, if I could get back on the horse, but I did it. This mama is a changing.

My First Official Work Out

I'm a really boring blogger - I know that but I am trying to stick with this for me. After the kids had their first swimming lesson the other day, I then did my own little work out. It was harder than I thought to get back on the horse but it felt good too. At least I got started. It's a start.

Took a Big Step

I joined the YMCA. I was a member a year ago but for a variety of reasons, it wasn't working. But I am hoping this time will be different. I'm hoping to get the kids into swimming lessons and me back into working out. Wish me luck.

OK, time to make a move. I need get going on a plan. It thought about joining Jenny Craig as a way to jump-start my weight loss. It is expensive but I figured if I did it for 6 weeks maybe I could lose some weight quickly and then feel motivated. The first time I gained weight, back in 1993, I went on Jenny Craig and lost 25 lbs. in about 10 weeks. It was great but then as soon as I went off, I quickly started gaining it back almost immediately. Also, I don’t want to be eating different food from the family. I want us all to be eating as healthy as we can. I want to be setting a good example and I don’t think I can do that by eating out of little boxes. So Jenny Craig is out.

Instead I am thinking of going back to the YMCA. What I really need to do is exercise more and that is one place I can do it with the kids is the Y. I tried joining a year ago but there was too much going on and it didn’t work. Let’s see how this goes.

I want to start being a nicer person. I'm not a horrible monster but I know I could be a more considerate person so for the past few days I have been concentrating on doing nice things for others. And it feels good.

Mother's Day - How lucky am I to have these two beautiful children in my life? So very lucky.

I put in earrings. A small thing but every since I used some of First Communion money to get my ears pierced, I have worn earrings. I wouldn't call myself prissy but I like to feel put together. At some point when I was pregnant I stopped wearing them and then once my kiddos were born I was worried the one would fall out and they would eat it. Suddenly, I didn't wear earrings any longer and it just wasn't "me". So today I put them back in. Just simple diamond studs. A small, perhaps insignificant step but a step back to me.

Ok, so what now. Do I set some goals? Do I try to figure out how I got here? How did I get here? I lost most of my pregnancy weight by a few weeks postpartum but now it is all back. This is not who I want to be. I want to be thin, healthy, vibrant. That can't be too much to ask from life. How can I get there? I need a plan. Do I start with a diet? Join a gym? Try to get inspired? I think I need to start by documenting where I am. I need to take some pictures and measurements. I need to know where I am starting from, no matter how difficult it might be to face.

met・a・mor・pho・sis

1. a profound change in form from one stage to the next in the life history of an organism, as from the caterpillar to the pupa and from the pupa to the adult butterfly.

2. a complete change of form, structure, or substance, as transformation by magic or witchcraft.

3. any complete change in appearance, character, circumstances, etc.

4. a form resulting from any such change.

I looked in the mirror today and decided it was time for a change. I hardly recognize myself. I always said I would be 40 and fabulous but here I am, heading toward 41 and looking and feeling much more frumpy than fabulous. I glance in the mirror and see remnants of “me” hiding in there. I'm still breathing so I know I still exist. I simply need to find a way to transform this mama back into the person I know I am. Please join me as I document my own personal metamorphosis.